"When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had nothing to talk about. She forgot the definition o… - David Sedaris

Dad on friendship: "Sure, some people are nice. Real nice. Nice like carpets so you can walk all over them."

It's always so satisfying when you can twist someone's hatred into guilt — make her realize that she was wrong, too quick to judge, too unwilling to look beyond her own petty concerns.

I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression: I was told that if something is unpleasant it's probably feminine. This encouraged me, but the theory was blown by such masculine nouns as murder, toothache, and rollerblade. I have no problem learning the words themselves, it's the sexes that trip me up and refuse to stick.