(On drug laws): Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become. - Bill Hicks

I’m a producer. I never knew it was that easy. All these years I been trying to write scripts and characters and plots and stories that had meaning. ‘Will there be titty?’ Sure. Boom! I’m a . . . I’m a producer now. ‘Where’ve you been all our life, boy? We been lookin’ for you in Hollywood. What are these titties gonna do? Jiggle? You’re a fuckin’ genius. Give him another cheque. I can’t write enough cheques for you. You’ve answered our prayers in Hollywood. Jiggling titties, who would have thunk of it?

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

I asked that question once ["Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?"] and a woman yelled "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebra, I swear to god it's that close. I think that's the next thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory, and a fervent prayer! And now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about," ...but guys, you know what I'm talking about. I can speak for any guy here tonight: guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now...watching an empty stage. ...Boy, my parents are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck-your-own-cock bit?" "Yeah, ma." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser."