I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I… - John Mulaney

Travelling can get kinda lonely sometimes, or, not travelling, what is the word? Uh, life, life can get kinda lonely. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and I'll be like, "yeah, I've been really lonely lately", and he'll be like, "well, we should hang out", and I'm like, no, that's not what I meant. Not what I meant at all.

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid, and my mom was standing over my bed, and she said: "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Fayed have been killed in Paris", like I had something to do with it. [...] Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve.

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.