John Mulaney Quotes

College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.

I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point.

Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em.

I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.

In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.

If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.

I don't know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me." My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you."

Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.

Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now.

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.

I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely.