John Mulaney Quotes

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.

I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine.

Famous people are weird as shit. They're all weird. Your suspicions are correct.

I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.

The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. [...] You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don't know, and you are told this by an adult that you don't know.

I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point.

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.

It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.

The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.

I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.

That's how I walk into rooms. I'm 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, "Hi. Knock knock." I say "knock, knock" out loud.

You know those days when you're like, "this might as well happen". Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. [...] Eighth-graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like, "hey, look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips". And I'm like, "no, that's the thing I'm sensitive about!"

Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.

A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah.