John Mulaney Quotes

I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around.

Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.

I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay, based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years. I think I was supposed to be gay, I think like in heaven, they built like three quarters of a gay person, and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out, and it was like, "you marked that one gay, right?", and it was like, "oh, no, was I supposed to?", and they were like, "oh, man this will be a very interesting person".

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.

Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.

I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.

The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. [...] You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don't know, and you are told this by an adult that you don't know.

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.

For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.

Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em.

Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.

It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.

If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.

And now there's nazis again. When I was a kid, nazis was just an anology you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. Now there's new nazis. I don't care for these new nazis, and you may quote me on that. These new nazis, "Jews are the worst, and Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life." It's like, you know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?