In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. - John Mulaney

Travelling can get kinda lonely sometimes, or, not travelling, what is the word? Uh, life, life can get kinda lonely. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and I'll be like, "yeah, I've been really lonely lately", and he'll be like, "well, we should hang out", and I'm like, no, that's not what I meant. Not what I meant at all.

The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.

I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.