I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma. - John Mulaney

I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me." My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you."

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid, and my mom was standing over my bed, and she said: "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Fayed have been killed in Paris", like I had something to do with it. [...] Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve.

You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself."