That's how I walk into rooms. I'm 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, "Hi. Knock knock." I say "knock, knock" out loud. - John Mulaney

I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.

I've been trying to follow the news more this year, I've been trying to be much more involved in the news. You know, I read that this week over two days, the Dow Jones dropped 929 points, and I can't tell you how frustraing it is to not know what that means. It's getting embarassing.