John Mulaney Quotes

Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em.

I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all.

I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. [...] You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don't know, and you are told this by an adult that you don't know.

You know, for years scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", and the answer is: Yes. You can. As long as it is preceded by seven "What's New Pussycat"s.

I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.

When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It's exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who's running for mayor of nothing.

You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself."

I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point.

To me, at this point, like, Donald Trump is not just a rich man, like, Donald Trump is almost like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. No, it's like years ago, Trump was walking through an alley, and he heard some guy just like, "oh boy oh boy, as soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire people with my children." And Trump was like, "that is how I will live my life".

Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.

That's how I walk into rooms. I'm 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, "Hi. Knock knock." I say "knock, knock" out loud.

Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.

If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.