When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It's exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around wi… - John Mulaney

The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.

You know, for years scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", and the answer is: Yes. You can. As long as it is preceded by seven "What's New Pussycat"s.

College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.