You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocea… - John Mulaney

To me, at this point, like, Donald Trump is not just a rich man, like, Donald Trump is almost like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. No, it's like years ago, Trump was walking through an alley, and he heard some guy just like, "oh boy oh boy, as soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire people with my children." And Trump was like, "that is how I will live my life".

From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.

I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.