You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocea… - John Mulaney

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.

And now there's nazis again. When I was a kid, nazis was just an anology you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. Now there's new nazis. I don't care for these new nazis, and you may quote me on that. These new nazis, "Jews are the worst, and Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life." It's like, you know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?

College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And they're like, "Partial credit." And that's a whole thing.