If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person. - John Mulaney

I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all.

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.

You know, for years scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", and the answer is: Yes. You can. As long as it is preceded by seven "What's New Pussycat"s.