I thought the president-elect’s identity as a despicable human being was something we could all agree on. - David Sedaris

If you see devils, they lock you up, but in America, if you see angels, they put you on morning TV.

I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.

Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.