When I arrived at the house in the suburbs that night I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. But as I thought about it, the … - Yukio Mishima

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When I arrived at the house in the suburbs that night I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. But as I thought about it, the idea became exceedingly tiresome, and I finally decided it would be a ludicrous business. I had an inherent dislike of admitting defeat. Moreover, I told myself, there's no need for me to take such decisive action myself, not when I'm surrounded by such a bountiful harvest of death — death in an air raid, death at one's post of duty, death in the military service, death on the battlefield, death from being run over, death from disease — surely my name has already been entered in the list for one of these: a criminal who has been sentenced to death does not commit suicide. No — no matter how I considered, the season was not auspicious for suicide. Instead I was waiting for something to do me the favor of killing me. And this, in the final analysis, is the same as to say that I was waiting for something to do me the favor of keeping me alive.