I can say that. I have a television show. - Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. It's not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one.

Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"