Daniel Tosh Quotes

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."

I came up with my own expression. I like to "make it hail". Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!

I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.

Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over.

Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. It's not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one.

I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part of the joke...the bracelets are working!

I can say that. I have a television show.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God...How can I make this funny for everybody?" ...Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!" Then, whack! Right then. And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.