Daniel Tosh Quotes

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on TV, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch TV.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call BS. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."

[On looters stealing VCR's] Why are you stealing a VCR? They don't even make VHS tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for three years. I would say four years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for four years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?"

I came up with my own expression. I like to "make it hail". Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!

I can say that. I have a television show.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."

Am I the only one who thinks that David Beckham should film a sex scene with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but get it done before one of them is past their prime. Can you imagine those two making love? If there is not a man in here who's junk doesn't even wiggle at the thought of it, and this has nothing to do with your homophobic beliefs. At that level, it's art, you monkey! You should feel privileged that you get to breathe the same air as those Greek gods!

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a "birds and bees" talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son. Listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon." What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling, "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"