Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in… - Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."

I'm all for illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals."

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.