Daniel Tosh Quotes

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call BS. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

[On looters stealing VCR's] Why are you stealing a VCR? They don't even make VHS tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for three years. I would say four years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for four years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?"

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.

God doesn't hate gays. He's just upset that they found a loophole in the system.

I came up with my own expression. I like to "make it hail". Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over.

I can say that. I have a television show.

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her...

Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not.