Daniel Tosh Quotes

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. 'Cause Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say, "Well, come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround."

The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing: you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo," and she'd reply, "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.

Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God...How can I make this funny for everybody?" ...Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!" Then, whack! Right then. And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later.

Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"

I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part of the joke...the bracelets are working!

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not.

You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

God doesn't hate gays. He's just upset that they found a loophole in the system.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.