You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable! - Daniel Tosh

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call BS. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?