Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult. - Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.