Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. - Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.