I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. - Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on TV, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch TV.