Daniel Tosh Quotes

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a "birds and bees" talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son. Listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon." What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling, "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"

The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. 'Cause Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say, "Well, come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround."

Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call BS. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on TV, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch TV.

I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not.

Am I the only one who thinks that David Beckham should film a sex scene with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but get it done before one of them is past their prime. Can you imagine those two making love? If there is not a man in here who's junk doesn't even wiggle at the thought of it, and this has nothing to do with your homophobic beliefs. At that level, it's art, you monkey! You should feel privileged that you get to breathe the same air as those Greek gods!