We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that! - Robin Williams

[Describing US food aid delivered to Afghanistan after 9/11] And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...and all you need's a Honey Baked Ham and you got a redneck Christmas. But... [Southern accent] "Who dropped the Honey Baked Ham on the Muslim public?" "Shhh! Idiot!" [own voice] Now, why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one: tastes a shitload better than dirt, yes. Number two, and more importantly: very difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouthful of peanut butter. [pretends to choke on a mouthful while shouting in Arabic] Secondly, or thirdly for those keeping track: Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture. And anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go... [intense, stoned stare] "Pop-Tarts!" [yells and applauds ecstatically]

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"