You don't believe our government gangsta? Tell me what the Iraqi uniform look like. [short pause] Don't worry, I'll wait. We ain't killin' they army … - Katt Williams

My favorite show for two years in a motherfucking row is still motherfucking "Swamp People". That is my shit! Oh, my God! If you have not seen this shit, you have not lived yet! It's some beautiful shit! I think I just like seeing minor... rednecks in their natural environment, not killing minorities. I think that's what it is. I love this shit. I watch every episode, but I don't know why, because every episode is exactly... [audience yells; "the same!"] ...like the last goddamn episode. They don't change shit. Every episode start with a man in a boat going nowhere fast as shit. He just... And he's saying some shit you can't fucking understand. And then you accidentally understand some of the shit, and it scares the shit out of you. He just... "We got to go out there and get him, boy. We got to go out there and get him, boy. We don't go out there and get him, he ain't going to get hisself." "Nah, I guess he ain't going to get hisself. I guess that makes perfectly good sense." And these white men get out there in that swamp, and they are catching 700-, 800-pound alligators. And that's not the part, minorities. They are catching these alligators with their hands! That's right. Look at the niggas. Don't even believe me. With their real hands. Not a weapon. Not a stick. None of that. Stick their real hands in the water to get the alligator. Black people is at the house, like, "Don't stick your hand in there! There's an alligator in that son of a bitch." But when you see... you see that white man reach up out that motherfucking boat, grab that motherfucking alligator line, the whole show, just... [repeatedly] "shoot him, Billy Bob, shoot him! Shoot..." Then the whole show just flips. Now they showing it from underwater, and it's muddy and bubbling and shit, like the alligator has a camera on his head. And he's in the show too. And then they cut to commercial.

Motherfuckers thought that because I was raised homophobic, that might have meant I was homophobic. Wait a minute, motherfucker. Don't speak for me. I could tell you how the fuck I feel. Just 'cause I got an opinion don't mean shit. At the end of the motherfucking day, I thought we was talking about rights, and I thought they was human rights. I think they human rights, so if you a human, you deserve your motherfucking rights. The reason for that is I don't give a fuck what you are doing in your life, 'cause I'm too busy doing what the fuck I'm doing in my life. End quote. Yes, yes. Now, now, people thought that because I might have an opinion, that meant I was homophobic. No, no, no, no. Let me say... let me say publicly... let me say very publicly if there was a dude and I had some shit to say, that's not because I was homophobic, motherfucker! I'm not homophobic! I'm pro-pussy! There is a difference. I think you need to understand, I... I was trying to help. I wasn't coming from a place of hate. I thought some of them had made a mistake. I'm saying, if you try a vagina and it leads you to a life of asshole, wait a minute. If at first you don't succeed, sir, try, try again. What the... you must have got the wrong vagina. They are delicious. You should try another one. All of them are delicious, I think. But I realized... I realized it was a contradiction... because if you ask me about gay dudes, I have some shit to say, but if you ask me about lesbians, I don't have shit to say about lesbians. I've already had this conversation with Jesus. He know I love lesbians. I don't even think lesbians should pay taxes. I really don't. I think they are already taking care of two vaginas. Just saying. We can't afford to be judging all the time. Our life is too motherfucking hard as it is. You got to be able to just laugh some shit the fuck off. I just don't like when they try to force shit down our throats.

They did some shit to me I didn't even know they was allowed to do. I knew they could take a nigga to jail. I thought that was it. These motherfuckers put me in a real mental institution with real crazy people. What the fuck?! I might have thought I was crazy till you put me in here with the real crazy motherfuckers. Now I know I'm sane as shit. You ain't lived till you try to break up a fight with a motherfucker and hisself. "Fuck you, nigga. Fuck you." "One of y'all is right. That's all I'm trying to say. I ain't trying to be in your business or nothing." It's fucked up. Here the fuck I tell jokes for a living. These motherfuckers got me handcuffed to a nigga who's scraping demons out his face. He... I'm over there like, "Jesus, this is your humble servant, Lord. There's clearly been a miscommunication, Jesus. Just saying this burden is a little bit too heavy for your servant, Lord. If you could just remove this boulder off a nigga's back, Jesus, I'd really appreciate it, Lord. I'm just... I'm just saying, Jesus, my cup runneth over, Lord, is what I'm saying, and, thing is, I ain't even thirsty, Jesus, not a little bit. You can take this whole cup, the pitcher, the carafe, all of it, Jesus." Fucked up. You in that motherfucker, and all you thinking is, "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, and there ain't shit going to make me stay in this son of a bitch." But they got some medication in the crazy house that will put an elephant on his back. And I don't know if you can see from your chair, but I'm not even a baby elephant, and they still gave me the whole elephant's pill. I have a trunk, but I am no elephant. They had me on five, six medications at one motherfucking time, just trying to break a nigga. They had me on some shit named Seroquel. I don't know what the fuck is in Seroquel, but I think Satan's penis is in it, I really do, because it's from Hell. That shit... if you whisper "Seroquel" to me, I become a different nigga. Just... Seroquel. I'm just trying to find my happy place. I love these soft-ass pants. It's fucked up. I got out that motherfucker. I said I'm going to fix every motherfucking thing that's wrong with me. I'm going to fucking get all my shit together. That's when I realized you can't even trust simple shit. We used to think our doctor gave a fuck about us. We used to think our doctor wanted us to get better so we would be better. Our doctor don't give a fuck about us. That motherfucker is making money, and that is it. He is a drug dealer just like the drug dealers. Ain't no motherfucking difference. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. 'Cause the medicine commercials have really gone over the top. They don't even give a fuck about us as people any- motherfucking-more. Do you remember when they used to at least have the common decency to whisper the side effect at the end of the... you could barely hear the fucked-up shit that could possibly happen to you. They just, "Possible side effects are... Now these motherfuckers say the motherfucking side effect so motherfucking loud and proud, you forget what the fuck they were supposed to be curing in the first place. And they just keep going and going, just... "Are you tired of hangnails ruining your life? Well, just take this simple pill, and in two weeks, you'll be jumping rope and running back to usual. Possible side effects are loss of the rest of your toes, fucked-up ankles, dislocated kneecaps, separation of thigh meat, hip dysplasia, innie-outie belly button, female breasts. If you have two Adam's apples, if your chin falls off, if you go blind or deaf for any reason..." What the fuck?! Just cut my goddamn toe off, bitch. I got shit to do! Just saying you got to try whatever you can.