Now, Michael Jackson is claiming racism. I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first." Baby, what are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What ar… - Robin Williams

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

[Describing US food aid delivered to Afghanistan after 9/11] And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...and all you need's a Honey Baked Ham and you got a redneck Christmas. But... [Southern accent] "Who dropped the Honey Baked Ham on the Muslim public?" "Shhh! Idiot!" [own voice] Now, why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one: tastes a shitload better than dirt, yes. Number two, and more importantly: very difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouthful of peanut butter. [pretends to choke on a mouthful while shouting in Arabic] Secondly, or thirdly for those keeping track: Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture. And anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go... [intense, stoned stare] "Pop-Tarts!" [yells and applauds ecstatically]

Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!