I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work. - Christopher Titus

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
She's bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just 'bout to here.
And I knew the window couldn't take it.
She screamed, "Open the door, you bastard, or I'll fucking break it!"
Well, I couldn't let her do that; 'twas my father's place.
So I cracked the door, and she punched me in the face!
So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. (imitating a kid): "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"