Christopher Titus Quotes

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.

And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? You've got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. What's say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it.

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah, and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence — those people are the freaks, man!

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.

I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health.…and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.

Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian-talentless slut decade!

I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!