Christopher Titus Quotes

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place...just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.

Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. AND her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. [British accent] Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update.

And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? You've got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. What's say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it.

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. (imitating a kid): "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"

CLINT EASTWOOD DOESN'T MOISTURIZE!...but CLINT EASTWOOD NEEDS TO MOISTURIZE!

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.

I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman..... until the 5th time she cracks him in the face.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? … Cows, get on it... MOO!"

I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health.…and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.

So Thomas Jefferson said "Every generation needs a new revolution". Now our grandparents had World War II, fought the Nazis. Our parents had the Civil Rights Revolution. Our generation has....Shamwow and Prozac. That's it, man. We just went through the worst decade since disco and how did we deal with it? We bitched on the Internet, got medical marijuana cards, and played Grand Theft Auto.