I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I g… - Christopher Titus

[On the subject of late-term abortion] I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!