Top 15 Christopher Titus Quotes

My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me...But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place...just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.

He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. [pauses, angrily] And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. AND her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. [British accent] Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update.

The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have NEVER been that funny.

And when did mediocrity become excellence in our country? Music is dead in 2011 because Lady Gaga lives. Really? Is that the best we can do? Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, "Poker Face"? This stuttering, growling midget with a speech impediment is music? Really? This vapid, pop cancer, Madonna mini-me? She makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon. She makes Jack Lemon look like John Lennon. I'm sorry. And you don't get to claim you're not accepted at a billion hits on YouTube. And you're not an artist just cause you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra. Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

[On the subject of late-term abortion] I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

CLINT EASTWOOD DOESN'T MOISTURIZE!...but CLINT EASTWOOD NEEDS TO MOISTURIZE!

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels...by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.