Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your … - Christopher Titus

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare…is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then THERE IS NO GOD! (silence): And God said unto me: "Christopher...I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." [a light shines on him and he drops to his knees, imitating a heavenly chorus] How shall I serve thee, Lord?

He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. [pauses, angrily] And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.