I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. - Dave Attell

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. 'Cause you've got a small penis. And I know, 'cause I work with children.”

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times you've had? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."