I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all. - Bill Hicks

I’m a producer. I never knew it was that easy. All these years I been trying to write scripts and characters and plots and stories that had meaning. ‘Will there be titty?’ Sure. Boom! I’m a . . . I’m a producer now. ‘Where’ve you been all our life, boy? We been lookin’ for you in Hollywood. What are these titties gonna do? Jiggle? You’re a fuckin’ genius. Give him another cheque. I can’t write enough cheques for you. You’ve answered our prayers in Hollywood. Jiggling titties, who would have thunk of it?

I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now … I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book.

The thing is, that most of the people in Congress want us to think that every problem is so unsolvable. They just gloss over them and make us think that sometime in the ‘near’ distant future they will be resolved. So the people just think to themselves, ‘Who knows better than this guy, I guess?