ISIS without guns is just basically a blog. - Trevor Noah

My mother used to tell me, “I chose to have you because I wanted something to love and something that would love me unconditionally in return — and then I gave birth to the most selfish piece of shit on earth and all it ever did was cry and eat and shit and say, ‘Me, me, me, me me.’

Hey, son, what the hell is with your haircut? Did you see a paintbrush and say "I want that dude's look!"?

Hustling is to work what surfing the Internet is to reading. If you add up how much you read in a year on the Internet — tweets, Facebook posts, lists — you’ve read the equivalent of a shit ton of books, but in fact you’ve read no books in a year.