Newspapers chiefly exist to spooned the opinions of their readers back to them, much like an arse to mouth hosepipe. - Charlie Brooker

Even if the Jabscreen 4 was reportedly biting users' ears off and spitting them into a ditch, every Jabscreen 3 user is going to wind up buying one anyway.

If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn't work properly. The seams come apart and it's full of powdered glass.

It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.