People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. - George Carlin

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it, one swing, fuck you, you're out, sit down!

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.