There was this one crime I read about that was so heinous, I didn't have any words for it. This guy had killed a girl, her mother, and her grandmothe… - Ron White

I'm staying tonight, or this week, in the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. They're amazing, you won't believe this if you've never seen one of these. Number one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like a lot, but if you're used to a cold toilet seat and then you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's nice. It, like, relaxes your bowel muscles and kinda just helps you crap, you know? It's really nice. And then, on the wall, there's some buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing and one of them says Front Cleansing; there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden I'm that guy! I am. I'm sitting on the toilet with a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing...how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead cen–ter! And then there's another button below that button that says Oscillate and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that moment that I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass, just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."

I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)

My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.