Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [high-pitched voice] Say hello to my little friend.

That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"

[M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical! (p. 230).

Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?

I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2).

Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.

Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.

Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said "You need to lay off eggs." I go "Is my cholesterol bad?" He said "No, your farts are killing everybody in this room."

We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.

Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.

[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!

I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! (p. 113).

Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true? (p. 11).

Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.