Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.

Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.

That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!

Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?

I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2).

That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!

Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.

You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.

Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.

Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true? (p. 11).

A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. (p. 5).

I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"

Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197).

[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!

I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stack of scratch-off tickets, I'll tell you what.