Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!

A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. (p. 5).

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"

(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin<nowiki>'</nowiki>. (p. 1).

Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!

Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?

She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." And I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick...Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b-[Grunting] I'm on the toilet next to her, [grunting] You know? I'm like "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"

Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.

Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.

This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!

Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? "Robinson! Get in there!"

If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [high-pitched voice] Say hello to my little friend.