Being old is great. There's so many things that you're done with. Like running really fast. I was single until I was 45, and I liked that, but then I… - Jerry Seinfeld

I love art! It's great. But a guy with his hands on his face is not worth $100M. (laughs) "Screaming!" Okay? So, he's screaming. Fine. I'm not getting 100M value here: (imitates "The Scream")

There is absolutely nothing you can do on a date to help you feel better about the tremendously uncomfortable situation you're in. And the reason it's uncomfortable is that no one's on the date for the date. They're on the date to see what's going to happen at the end of the date.

There’s a level of boredom where you cannot support your body weight. My parents would take me to the bank and I would just liquefy. I’d walk in, “Oh, I can’t handle this…” The legs just give out. They’d turn around from the teller’s window and I would be flat on my back in the middle of the floor. Out cold from boredom. How many times did your parents have to say to you, “Would you get up off the floor?” “I can’t. I’m so bored.” They do that scream whisper, “I said, GET UP…” They would grab your arm to try and pick you up, and you would just twirl around the floor like cooked spaghetti. “I can’t get up, Mom. I’m so sorry. I have no bones anymore from the boredom of this bank.” Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.