What I needed with all my starved and silent soul was just that particular way of shouting back at the world. - Iris Murdoch

His heart ached in such a familiar way, and the very familiarity of it pained him.

I was now, all the time, unutterably tired as if simply keeping alive was a terrible effort.

Of course we live in dreams and by dreams, and even in a disciplined spiritual life, in some ways especially there, it is hard to distinguish dream from reality. In ordinary human affairs humble common sense comes to one's aid. For most people common sense is moral sense. But you seem to have deliberately excluded this modest source of light. Ask yourself, what really happened between whom all those years ago? You've made it into a story, and stories are false.