… And if you are a <i>man</i> wearing capri pants...? [Laughter] You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah,… - Christopher Titus

My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me...But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

[On the subject of late-term abortion] I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.