I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower. - Ron White

I'd like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show—it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, too–Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"

I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)

I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"