I was thinking the other day about a time machine... and the first thing I thought of doing if I actually had a time machine, is that I would go back… - Patton Oswalt

In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe.

The angry "@" tweets from my hammer toed followers opened my eyes. "Pedo-phobe" shaming hurts us all. I am a PROUD pedophile!

The night we elected Obama, CNN had holograms. They had fuckin' holograms. We have Star Wars technology now. What if that means Barack is gonna to be the miracle he seems to be? What if this really is the dawning of an amazing age? He gets in there, fixes the economy, gets us out of Iraq and Afghanistan. We've got Osama bin Laden and George Bush in dunking booths filled with urine. You can just throw apples at em all day. And then what if he starts slinging amazing future technology on us. You know suddenly we get hover boots and teleportation pills and there's floating cars everywhere. At that point, would there be like two remaining holdout racists left? Like the last two guys down in Arkansas, in their hover boots? Just going, "Yeah, there's that nigger that gave us anti-gravity. I'm gonna be late to the cross burning. My free government blowjob robot broke. Fuckin' bullshit. This guy's the worst president ever. Just like a black guy to give you a blowjob robot for free and it breaks after 6 years. This sucks."