I've never understood being goth, you know. I could never do that, I could never dress goth. And don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy, it's not that. - John Mulaney

Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.

I'm allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [...] I said, "Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage?" And my wife said, "Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don't say that I'm a bitch and that you don't like me." I was like, "Whoa, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That's it?" [...] Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don't like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.

Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.