[On Dr. Phil] Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you som… - Joe Rogan

[About Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision."

We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius … who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?

Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes." "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue.