Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself? - Russell Brand

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. Though perhaps, let’s not condemn him regardless. Who among us didn’t smoke just a little bit of weed at school, just to take the edge off those irksome crack come-downs? Actually, as it turns out, it’s about as good an anti-drugs campaign as you’re going to get, don’t take drugs you might end up leader of the Tories with a face like a little painted egg.

[After pleasuring a gay man named Gary in a Soho toilet] My tendencies and inclinations towards women are very, very powerful.

I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape.