I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. - Elayne Boosler

My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country!

People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: "Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!" You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud.