Steven Wright Quotes

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.

"Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses." -author of Meditations in Green

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

"Ms. Yuka said: "Who knows how far the earth is from the sun?" Harold imagined yelling: "Look it up!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...