Steven Wright Quotes

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

"Ms. Yuka said: "Who knows how far the earth is from the sun?" Harold imagined yelling: "Look it up!

Harold thought how weird and strange it must be to be a girl. He was glad he wasn’t one because he didn’t think he would be able to do that. Or he wouldn’t want to do that. It’s probably good that you are what you are and that’s it. You don’t get to be both then choose after testing them out. This was in the 1960s not like many many years later when it would become like going through a sexual identity salad bar.

Wright, Steven. Harold (pp. 21-22). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Ho l’orologio che va avanti di tre ore ma non sono mai riuscito ad aggiustarlo. Così da Los Angeles mi sono trasferito a New York.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks."

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.