Steven Wright Quotes

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

Una conciencia tranquila es generalmente el signo de una mala memoria

I'm donating my body to science...fiction.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.